Saturday, January 26, 2008

Back from Dead - As a Gunslinger and Boxer

Yo! I had been gone for some time. So, anyone missed me?
what...what are you saying? didn't even notice I was gone.

Anyway, lot of exciting stuff happened....thought I will share one 'Stupid a.k.a Boxer' story and one 'Dream Come true a.k.a Gunslinger' story.

'Stupid a.k.a Boxer'

This is how the story goes. One day we find a nice beer store which serves more than 150 kinds of beer. We see Paulaner, Spaten and a ton of other German, Belgium and Swedish brands. As expected, we go crazy, buy large cases of beer and started chugging.

One idiot, Sathish, starts punching my stomach for no reason. If you drink or have friends who drink, you will understand this is the first sign of alcohol starting to kill brain cells. At this point my brain cell count is dangerously low and I am egging him to hit me with his full force. By now, the other two idiots who were watching wants to join the fun and starts punching my stomach.

Soon, the discussion turns into who has the best punch. Please remember, at this point there are 4 guys in the room with very high alcohol and stupidity level. So we decided to punch the closet door and see who can break it. I go first and break the door in the first attempt. But, the guys won't let me have my glory. They say the door was very easy and they don't have 3 more closet doors to prove their strength. Valid point though.

The fridge that was standing very close to the coat closet caught our attention. It was decided that all four of us will punch the fridge in 4 different places and whoever gets the bigger dent is the winner. Babu goes and fails. After him Pankaj goes and fails too. Now, its my turn. I am afraid I might also loose. So, I let it fly......BOOOOOM....there is this nice dent on the freezer. Two of my knuckles had made a nice impression.

The next day morning I find out I have a broken hand. The doctor says it will not heal itself and we need to screw a plate...and also put a screw in my head to tighten my brain...Anyway, while waiting for the doctor, there was a poster in the room detailing all kinds of hand fracture. It said the kind of fracture I got, usually happens to Boxers and so its called Boxer Fracture. Now, do I have to spell it out that it was the proudest moment in my life :)

'Dream Comes true a.k.a Gunslinger'

I have always wanted to fire a gun and today it became true. We rented a Glock 34 and headed for the shooting range. It was amazing. We had the ear muffs on and still it was loud. None of those atom bombs you blasted on Diwali will prepare you for this day. The recoil was strong. I don't how people can become a marksman with that much recoil. But, it was everything I dreamed off. It was powerful and intoxicating. A pic for you.

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

F**king Unbeleivable

I was walking from my office to PATH station. Big evening crowd. Suddenly, the lady before me says 'what the fuck'. I saw what had just happened. The asshole who had just passed me had just pressed the lady's breast in broad sunlight. I pause a little bit to see the slap that was coming. Then she turns to her friend and says

'I can't beleive he did that. I mean...why he had to do that. All he had to do was ask me out. Did you see him...he was so gorgeous'

Holy is happening here...he just mollested her in the middle of 6th Ave and she was letting him go. I thought I know something about girls...I give up...they are one complicated bunch

Aftr this, I keep walking to the station thinking how bizzare the whole thing was.

After reaching the station what do you think I see. Take a guess. I see a lady wrapped in a small towel...a pretty one the towel...the lady...the lady was pretty

She was standing inside the train wrapped in a small she just finished her bath and relaxing in her bedroom....but the real shocker was the one seemed to care or excited....Come many times you have seen a lady in a train in a towel...

Am I seeing things...I think I am going crazy...NYC is one fucked up city

Friday, June 15, 2007

A revolution is coming

(Nothing serious...just a funny attempt...I don't condone anything I am saying in this post and I am against all those things said in the picture)

I have some real bad disturbing news for my 'Brothers of Manhood'. It will definitely be traumatizing. So, if you have any heart problems, please stop reading. Ignorance is bliss.

I have proof that we are being cheated, used, violated and robbed of our freedom and basic rights by our female counterparts (or should I say 'Witches of the Sisterhood').

Last week, I was send a highly confidential package that contained some very disturbing documents. That document came into existence 52 years ago. To be exact, it was a copy of the Magazine called as 'Housekeeping Monthly' dated 13th May 1955. Please read the attachment below to understand the gross injustice that has been practiced by our beautiful female counterparts on us for the better part of last two decades.

Click on the picture below to read its contents. Its very important you read the underlined lines in the picture below

Brothers, its time to get back what is ours. What is lost can be reclaimed. It is not too late. Join with me to reclaim our Glory. I will give you the freedom our ancestors enjoyed 50 years ago.

But, BEWARE....the opposition is know for its totalitarian and fascistic approach. They will try miniskirts to derail us. Tight T-shirts and tiny weeny itsy bitsy shorts will be used as weapons of slavery. Tank tops and tight jeans will be weared just to floor us. But, remember my friends...we are already on the floor. Any further below, we will get buried alive.

But, my friends, those weapons do not scare me. I am afraid of something more sinister. Its so evil to the level that we can't imagine. I am informed that our female Nazi's have a super secret weapon. Its a lethal combination of saree, Jasmine flower and homely look. Anyone wearing any of these should not be trusted but viewed with serious distrust.

I understand that its not easy to escape the cunning traps described above. In those trying situations think about the things we can enjoy if we succeed in this holy war. I have mentioned a few below. Please go ahead and read them.

In 1955, according to that magazine,

  • a women had no right to question her man.

  • can't question him if he comes late at night

  • has to provide him with drinks after work....heineken baby

these are just a few of the benefits....hundreds will follow....

P.S: Nope...Iam not a male chauvenistic pig....but I just can't stop imagining about life during year 1955. Man....those guys had it easy...In 1955, I can sit at home watching Sunday Afternoon Football with a Beer in my hand. Damn...where is my farking Time Machine

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

Pennsylvennia Sucks

Pennsylvenia DMV says "Driving is not your right...its a Privilege". WTF....last time I checked this was a free country and Hitler was killed long ago. Iam telling you...these guys are Grade A douche bags.

Last weekend, went to Atlantic City for a nice weekend of Poker and Blackjack. Had a room booked in Tropicana. Rented a Mustang. Everything fine till my foot became a little heavy and started punching that Mustang at high speeds. I don't know about you guys. For me, pumping a sports car and melting the asphalt in a curvy road is way better than Sex. Now, no innocent questions like 'Sir, do you get an orgasm while u drive?'. This is a PG rated Blog ;) (Due to Sat's not so innocent comments....i want to mention that I don't have any practical experience in the above mentioned analogy....not b'cos I didn't have any offers...just b'cos I am a pakka tamilan. LMAO)

It was a 55 mph zone and I was going at 110 mph. I was a Friday night. What looser is going to hide under a bridge holding a radar. Wrong...big mistake.

For all those people who are thinking ..."Big you got a ticket for speeding 50 miles above speed limit...the max you get is 1 month suspension and a reckless driving charge....cry me a river ahole", please look below.

Driving Record of Wyvern for the last 7 months - The cutest Dragon (From now on please call me by this name)

Speeding: 105 mph on 55 mphJune 1st 2007$228
Speeding: 75 mph on 65 mphMay 4th 2007$135
No InspectionSometime May 07$75
Caught Driving on suspended LicenseFeb 2007$280 + License Suspended for 1 more year
Disregarding Lanes causing Accident (just ask Adia at kadalamittai.blogspot on his life threatening experience)Feb 2007$75
No registrationFeb 2007$75
Disregarding a CitationJan 2007$300
Caught Driving on suspended LicenseDec 2006$280 + License Suspended for 1 year
Disregarding a CitationNov 2006License Suspended for 20 days
Speeding: 59 mph on a 35Oct 2006$157

Wait a minute for 5 minutes...there are more side effect charges

Now you know why Penn DMV says ""Driving is not your right...its a Privilege" and why they are freaking right.

Its because of idiots like me.

P.S: I don't know why...but I am mighty proud of my driving record....this is a thar perumai post....yup...iam a shameless narcisstic pig rolling in self vanity

Friday, May 25, 2007

Feelings of a Tamil Music lover (Not me)

Saw this coment on rediff. Some North Indian gave bad review to Cheeni Kum and others were commenting about Illayaraja - both bad and good

Some Tamilan got offended and gave one of the most coolest praise for it goes

Well, I think the music of Ilaiyaraaja itself is a generation, an era. Why? when you are the first Asian to perform at RPO of London, you are an era. When you have scored music for nearly 850 movies (that is almost 4000 songs not to mention the BGMs), you are an era. When The Great Naushad said that you have achieved what we haven't achieved in 100 years, you are an era. When you have the record for the Tamil album (Thiruvasagam) that sold more numbers than any other Tamil album, you are an era. John Williams took seven months to one year to compose music for Saving Private Ryan. When you compose music for the whole movie in weeks possibly in days for Oscar bidding, thats too three movies (Nayagan, Anjali, Hey Ram), you are an era. When you write music for a movie in front of the director and producer in few minutes, may be an hour and the album goes on to become one of the greatest audio hits (Chinna Tambi) ever, you are an era. And despite all these achievements if you weren't awarded any major central government award, you are an era and example of bias in our present day India.

what u think?

Sunday, May 06, 2007

Joint Family Chronicles

In these chronicles, you will read about some funny stuff that happens in most joint families.

Incident No: 1

This is similar to the scene in movie 'Anandham' where Abbas calls from Delhi and everyone in the family tries to speak to him.

I think it was 1995-1996. My elder sister joined an Engineering college in Kovai. I still remember the day she left for college. It was like someone died. No one can beat my sister in sympathy dept. She was all smiles while packing her new chudi's. 10 min later when it was time to leave, kannula aruvi kotta arambichuduchu. Athu eppadinga, switch on panna mathiri ala mudiyuthu sila perala. I was the only peson who knew it was an act

During weekend, whole family except me will be waiting for her call. Especially, my mom. She had some wierd ESP power. While the phone is ringing itself she will say ' en ponnu than phone pannura'. Thats it. every one will run for the phone.

My periya chithappa will go like " hello...yaru..kannama'va pesurathu....eppadida iruka chellam....nee illama veeda verichodi pochuda...antha nai than vetti'ya oora suthuikittu eruku" . (enna enga vambuku ilukuranga)

Then my nadu chitapps, will come running, "Yaru ammai'ya phone le" , then rips the phone and starts melting

"Thangam....eppadida eruka....panam ellam irukada...innoru 1000 rupees anupavada....summa vachukada"

ada pavingala...nethu 10 ruba ketathuku antha salambu salabuniga...neramda sami

then he keeps going on and on till my chinna chitaps manages to get the phone and starts his own pasa malai

"chellam...kuttima...nalla erukiyada....mess'le sappadu ellam eppadida iruku...ethavathu venumna solluda...innaku night'a bus pidichu cbe vanthudren."

nanum 2 weeks'a nandu senju thanganu ketkiren....atha pannale....ana ponnukuna matum 8 hrs travel panni vangi kodupingalo....mavane inimel evanathu pengal, sama urimai nu pesina kola than vilum.

Then the head villain takes the phone....enga daddy'ya than solluren.

"eppadida'le pasanga yaravathu ragging pannurangala.....bayapadama sollu...nan parthukiren"

amam ivaru periya sandiyaru...antha math vathi enna remba thituranu nalu nala solikittu eruken...avanaiye onnum panna mudiyala...evaru colllleeegu pasangala all vachu adika poraram...

Finally, my sister asks for me. Not cos of pasam...just to show off her power.

"deiii...ennada olunga padika matengiriyame....olukama nadanthuko...un nallathukuthan sollren"

aading....public exam'le bit adichu pass agitu...ennake advice'a....mavale...leaveku nee intha pakkam thane varuva....anniku vachukiren unnai

Someone then slaps my head strongly and rips the phone from my hand and continues their paza malai. All this b'cos my sister was born right after my grandma died and a part of her name is Grandma's name, which to my chagrin is not abitha kusalambal. Two years later, I joined a college and was all excited to make my first phone call away from home. 5 or 6 rings went and no one took the call...finally, my periya chitaps took the call

Him: neeya....enna sollu....ammava kupidava

Me: neenga eppadi erukinga chithappa

Him: deii enna nakkala...vutena sevulu pinjudum...anju nalaiku munnale enna eppadi parthiyo appadiye than eppavum eruken

ivaru velaiku vara mattaru....vera yarai yavathu try pannuvom

Me: nadu chitappah erukangala

Periya C: avan etho velaiya irukanam...ennanu ketka solran

goyale...namaku akka alavuku mariyathai irukathunu theriyum...ana intha mathiri deposit'a irukathunu theriyama pocha

Then my chinna chitaps takes the phone and asks "dei exam ellam vachangalada"

"illa chithappa, eppo than class start agi eruku...exam ellam ennum one month kalichu than"

"olunga padichu mark vangura valiya paru....ange poiyum poruki mathiri oor suthi kittu erunthe....bus eri vanthu methipen rascal"

ennathu...akkavuku matum bus eri vanthu ketkarathe vangi kodupangalam....ana ennai matum methipangalam.

ithuku melayum phone panna nan enna kiruka illa the escape da sami

Monday, April 23, 2007

Me + Flirting = bulb

This was my first and last flirting attempt.

Mathavanga thunbathula inbam kanrathu unga ellarukum alwa sapidura mathirinu enaku, take your seat and enjoy my appu vangifying show

Okay start Mujic

Song: en soga kathaiyai kelu thaikulame

That forsaken day, I went to Borders to do the obvious; Read new Magazines for free, drink coffee, gwak at girls like they are from Venus. The queue at the counter was huge. Cursing myself, I joined the queue. Suddenly, I look up and there she was. She was in one of the counters.

Now change song to ' Adada brahman buthisali...avanai vida nan athirstasali'

Fabulous, beautiful, angelic, serene, eye-popping, elegant, royal. None of these words does justice to her. I have seen a lot of beauties in my site adichufying career. But this one was different. When she smiles her whole face smiles including her eyes. I could only imagine how she would look when she pouts. She was not any sexily clad model. She is the kind of person who gets respect without demanding, who you take to your mom and introduce. In short, she was perfect.

You have to look into her eyes to understand what I experienced. Her eyes were like a vast sea...not those turbulent sea, but the calm serene sea. Even though I only looked into her eyes for a couple of second, it felt like I had dove into the galactic ether and stayed there forever. She was showing me all the secrecy that no man has ever seen. Believe me, her eyes had a whole new mysterious universe inside.

Couple of times, I asked the person behind me to go forward. You don't have to be an Einstein to know what I was trying to do. Finally, I was called by her.

(Inner Me is my Soul, speaking Truth)

Her: 'I can help the next person in queue' - She looked up and smiled at me.

Inner Me: 'Ava ennai parthu sirichada....athan oore sirichuche'- che, entha nerathule entha dialog en gabakathuku varuthu

Her: How are you doing

Me: Just Great. Absolutely Fantastic. How about you.
Inner Me: dei over'a pesi scene agathe...act cool..act like you have been there before

Her: I am good.Thanks. Weather outside is wonderful. Can't ask for more..right

Inner Me: Weather pathi ellam pesurada...ithuku kandipa 'I would love to enjoy this weather with you' nu than artham....mavane pichutuda....eppadida machi 4 words'leye ponnugalai impress pannura...ennamo poda

Me: Yeah. Can't ask for more
Inner Me: dei..dei...enda ava sonnathaiye repeat something intelligent man...say something funny

Giving my book and card and she is ringing the counter.
In a couple of minutes, everything will be over.

Me: Hey...can I ask you something.

Her: (looks up...smiles) sure

Inner Me:Positive sign da machi...ennada ketka pora....theriyalaiye....ethavathu on the spot develop panna vendiyathu than

Me: Is today some kind of a special day for you. Like your birthday.
Inner Me: vachanda appu...she is going to thing you are a creep....serupadi vangarathukulla escape agidu

Her: No. why do you ask - Still smiling

Inner Me: May be not...she is curious...and you are also not that bad definitely don't look like a creep...proceed with confidence

Me: I noticed you while waiting in the queue. You looked very happy and vibrant. I were standing here...looking fabulous...all smiles, helping everyone. You don't see that often with people while they work. So, i was thinking...hmmm...may be its her birthday or some other special day

Inner Me: ennum face le eruthu siripu pogale....ratchasi...ethavathu sign koden...pidichu eruka...illaiya...torture pannathedi...ethukellam kalyanathuku appuram nee than kastapaduva

Her: Nooooo. Its not my birthday

Inner Me: 'No' kuda evvalavu alaga cute'a solra paru. Neeyum erukiye..kottika mattum than theriyun unnaku

Me: Are you sure. I mean..from there your face was glowing like a Christmas candle. I could almost see the halo behind you.. This is important. please think carefully. Are you really sure this is not an important day? If not, I have to assume you had a big fight with the man upstairs and came to earth to cool off.

Her: (Laughing...not just a small laugh..but a hearty friendly laugh) are making me Blush

Inner Me: MY can someone beautiful like her can get more beautiful...God ain't fair Wyvern

Inner Me: So you are trying to say she is an angel. Well every dog had used that line before. But, considering your did good for a Rookie

Her:(Still laughing) Nooo...definitely not. May be b'cos I got married couple of days back

Inner Me: WHATTTT....what did you just say...machi did I really hear what I just heard. kaduvule...thalai ellam suthuthe. okay...okay. you can mourn this later...people are watching you...first essagu.

Change Song to "silar siripar silar aluvar silar sirithikondei alugindrar"

Me: (Me full of smiles) Oh..really..thats good news. Congratulations.

Inner Me: Sivaji kamal yellam poi periya actor nu solranga...machi unnai mattum ippo Cheran parthan...avanoda aduthu senti padathuku nee than hero

Her: Thanks (still smiling)

Me: Just tell your husband, He is the luckiest man in the world

Inner Me: avan thanni lorri mothi saganum...even better...avan methu oru semi eri kollanum. samayapuram atha...nee matum ithai enaku pannu...unaku gold'le vepa elai seyren)

Her: (smiling...)He already knows that

Inner Me:But he doesn't know about my wish to our powerful samayapuram atha..(Inner me dancing like Vivek...hey ajaku...hey ajaku...hey ajaku)

Me and Inner Me....going out sadly

Song: Sothanai mel sothanai pothumada sami

Me: valkaiyela bulb'u erukalam...ana valkaiye bulb'a irunthuchuna

Inner Me: Machi, nanga appu vangina appu kadavul un kitta varalam...ana appu kadavule appu thanga mudiyama kalangina....nanga yar kittada povom kasmalam

The only good thing about this colossal bulb is that she didn't think I was a psycho. May be a Loser.. I think she realized I was speaking from my heart. But again, who knows for sure what in the hell these girls think. Not me